How Do You Survive An Affair?

Infidelity. Many people are victims of this evil. Chances are, if you are a victim, you would most probably be caught on the emotional roller coaster of your life. Usually, most people who are caught in such tragedies feel that it is the worst period in their lives.

For some unfortunate people who undergo the trauma of divorcing due to infidelity several times (from several partners), they are said to be nearly driven insane. These unfortunate people undergo all different kinds of emotions such as jealousy, anger, loneliness, shame. What's the worst? Heartache.

You are not alone.

A betrayed spouse might ask himself/herself, "How can that jerk do this to me? slept with my best friend and lied to me all this while! I can never trust anyone again." Especially, I will build my barrier against the people who want a romantic relationship with me. Ever and ever.

Is marital reconciliation possible? I am in the dating arena for several year and I have seen betrayed spouse willing to forgive their partners who betrayed them. So, I guess, yes, it's possible.

But the problems come.

How can we ever recover from such terrible wounds? If we recover, can we ever not bring up the issue of betrayal ever again? Will the relationship be a healthy one? Can we ever trust each other ever again? Will we ever love each other again?

Yes, yes. I know that there are many questions to answer in a situation like this. But, this is where I can give you some useful advice. And this advice applies in dating to both the male and female.

The Dangerous Illusion: Where Couple Think It Could Never Ever Happen To Them!

In actual fact, we do know people who are victims of infidelity at some point in our lives. So, we can't really distinguish who is right and wrong. This is unless, we find out for ourselves.

No! I am not asking you to have an affair!

What I meant was that, infidelity brings about new perspectives to the person who committed the betrayal. But, instead of facing reality, the people who are betrayed always tell themselves, "My spouse will never be unfaithful to me. I had my utmost trust in my spouse." Is that true? Are we really supposed to think that the other party will have no potential, at all, in committing a betrayal?

I am so sad to say that the answer is a big no.

This might surprise you. But, in the years of facing infidelity, many people who have committed the betrayal claim that they usually have no intention to have an affair at all. On the other hand, for those people who want to betray their spouses, have a very low tendency of having an affair with the opposite sex.

This is the most dangerous aspect in any marriage. As it turns out, the person who least suspects it, might just jump into infidelity. And this is typically for the same reasons. Lacking of mutual love, understanding, care, concern are all common reasons. For the spouse who has the affair, it is a complete surprise, "I had always regarded the people who had the affair to be selfish, foolish fools with no discipline. I didn't even imagine that this could possibly happen to me."

Infidelity happens in most marriage. Yes, you aren't reading this wrongly. Most marriages.
Since I am telling you now that it is common to have an affair in most marriage, we can safely assume that all fairy tales with good and their "lived happily ever after" endings are impossible.

Ok, firstly, we have to understand the person who is in the capacity of betraying the other party.

For this person, everyone would think that he/she is a moral weakling, a bastard, or whatsoever. Although, I would think that the first step for a recovery of a broken marriage is to see the adulterer's perspective.

You see, many people have affairs due to a fabricated priority to be with someone whom he/she loves, even if the whole world disapproves of the adultery. People who are adulterers have a new appreciation for people who have affairs.

Most unfaithful spouses see affairs as an enlightenment, which is a process of showing that they do not know what they are really missing until the affair reveals it to them. There are many sayings of, "You will only know how to treasure someone after you lost them" whether in a divorce or when the spouse dies.

I need to let you see that, affairs happen because they need to happen! Affairs happen at the correct situations, the correct locations, the correct circumstances and the correct chronological sequences!

Love is blind. When adulterers seek love elsewhere other than their spouse, they simply forget that they have a marriage vow to follow and keep. They forget that they have the responsibility of being a responsible parent. They forget that they are just seeking a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. (There might be situations which people commit adultery with a person of the same sex (Bisexuals) but I will leave this till for another time.)

For Women Who Commit Adultery

For the women who commit adultery, it is not because the man is not bring enough dough from work. In fact, I knew many women who committed adultery even though their husbands are millionaires. Women need to seek a stronger security in a man if they find that the passion was gone.

For Men Who Commit Adultery

For men who commit adultery, it is usually the case of which they cannot resist the temptation to have more sex- with more women. There are some exceptions though. Like when a wife who is too overbearing in the marriage can lead a man to desire a woman who is obedient and complaint towards his needs especially sexual needs.

How Do Affairs Start?

What did I do to deserve this?

It all begins when a person mentally visualizes his/her spouse in bed with another man/woman. This vision is very destructive to a marriage and will be indelibly etched in the victim's mind. For people who are trying to make their marriage work, despite the betrayal, they are unable to go through this mental barrier.

Emotional Needs

Many men and women tend to mistaken what they would define as emotional needs. Emotional needs are cravings to be satisfied. I am not referring to sexual needs being emotional needs. But, I am talking about needs that literally mean anything from celebrations and shopping to expensive dinners and watching EPL football matches on television!

It can be quite difficult to ascertain what emotional needs are especially critical to prevent infidelity. This is due to a fact that everyone's emotional needs are vastly different. Therefore, there is a need to rethink what makes the both of you happy at the correct. What you need to target are those significant emotional needs that make huge impacts in your lives.

When I give dating advice to any couple, the most important thing is to identify the significant emotional needs of a couple. Life isn't a bed of roses. This is confirmed when I make a list of what are 3 of the most significant emotional needs to a man and 3 of the most significant emotional needs to a woman. They are totally different! The 3 most significant emotional needs of the man looks to be the least significant to women and the 3 most significant emotional needs of the woman sounds the least significant to the man!

YOU NEED TO FUFILL THESE SIGNIFICANT EMOTIONAL NEEDS TO ENJOY A BLISSFUL MARRIAGE!

When our most important needs go unmet, we tend to feel empty and depressed, which induces a party to seek another person to fill the void. That's when adultery kicks in.

Affairs satisfy unmet emotional needs. For example, a guy sleeps with another woman for one night as his wife is on a temporary business trip. Loneliness is his emotional need and he just satisfied it by sleeping with another woman. Now, I am not asking you to point the finger at the betrayed spouse who is working hard all the time. I am just making an acknowledgment that the adulterer is being ignored, hence the affair.

Most of the time, the person who is betrayed has no idea how important he/she is to the adulterer. In fact, the most important person to the adulterer is the victim of infidelity!

I believe, in my years of giving dating advice that love is the most powerful emotion in the world. And love usually is the main reason why marriages lie in divorce. The person committing the betrayal might think, "I am no longer in love with my husband, I am in love with my new-found boyfriend."

As time goes by, the person committing the adultery will find herself to commit a grave mistake that is probably irreversible. Our state laws and the victim of infidelity (would have given up on this marriage) will not allow for more changes which they might consider as devastating to the healing process of the marital hurt.

Otherwise, when the position of the marriage is still viewed positively by the person who committed the adultery will be willing to give up the relationship with another person in order to salvage the marriage. Being in love, it is impossible to force yourself to forgive another person in a day. That's why I am going to reiterate here that love is the most powerful weapon in destroying and salvaging a relationship. Love makes the conclusion of an affair difficult, but not impossible.

Any man or woman can throw away his/her marriage after he/she has just experienced an affair. So, if you are a person who is experiencing such marital difficulties, please be aware that the perplexed situation can be quite hard to control.